Syphilitic Rex

It was midday and cloudy. I had just passed the library and was walking to a class when I saw the cage. A person in uniform was walking around the perimeter of a chain-link fence as people inside tried to look oppressed. “Oh,” I thought, “the alternative lifestyles club must be having a demonstration. This is worth a look.”

As I drew closer, I was approached by a person wearing tattered clothes and zombie makeup. “Take a pamphlet,” he told me. I grabbed the paper and looked at the top.

“Young Americans for Liberty,” the pamphlet said.

“Shit,” I said.

I had been pulled in by the promise of kinky sex and was instead face-to-face with a skinny, jittery fool who had snot running from his nose. “We’re holding a demonstration,” he told me, “about the dangers of communism. That’s representing the Berlin Wall.”

“Oh, the Berlin Wall,” I replied, “I know about that. The poor, oppressed people of Eastern Europe were inspired by Ronald Reagan to tear it down. He said ‘Tear down this wall,’ and then the people realized that it was a good idea.”

“Yeah,” he said. I looked him up and down. His costume was impressive. He wore a Ralph Lauren shirt under his rags, something that must have been common among the poor people of Eastern Europe. His face was painted almost as pallid and white as the members of Young Americans for Liberty tend to be. He was twitching.

“Dear God!” I shouted, “This is why syphilis should be treated early!” He smiled—I think it was a smile. His lips were thin and bloodless. He didn’t respond.

“Tell me,” I asked, “are you joking or are you just stupid?”

“What do you mean?” he replied.

“Never mind,” I said, and I left. I still had the pamphlet in my hand, and after I sat down in the classroom, I began to read it.

The pamphlet asserted that communism—or, as they say, Communism—is coming to the United States. Why do they believe this? If you are weak of heart or of sphincter, stop reading now.

There are EPA regulations, property taxes, and states that want to buy land for public use. The income tax demands “paying your fair share.” Estate taxes exist. The government prints money. Public transit exists. The government stops companies from dumping waste. Racism and sexism are publically opposed. Unions are protected. Children no longer work in factories, and have access to free education.

Seriously. That’s what these people oppose. I wish I were exaggerating.

I have never before seen somebody defeated by their own straw man.