Dear Leader Kim Jong Il of North Korea:
WUPR: Hello and welcome everyone. Joining us from for this episode of Talking Heads straight from Pyongyang, North Korea, is Mr. Kim Jong Il. Well, unfortunately, due to his fear of flying, he is unable to be here but is with us via live video feed.
Il: Actually, it is the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea. And, as per custom, you forgot to mention how much North Koreans love living in our workers’ paradise.
WUPR: Sorry to offend you, Mr. Il. I was just wondering, how do you travel if you do not fly?
Il: I have a personal armored train for transportation. Planes are not up to my standards; I get fresh live lobsters airlifted to my train every day. Besides, I would not travel on your greedy imperialist airlines. They are no match for our extremely safe, world renowned, North Korean aircraft.
WUPR: I see. An incident occurred Saturday in which a South Korean Navy ship suffered an explosion and sunk off the coast of North Korea. 46 sailors are missing. Would you care to elaborate?
Il: I have no knowledge of this incident. It is likely yet another example of the imperialist American government and its puppets spreading lies.
WUPR: Do you think this could be somehow, incidentally, tangentially related to a statement from North Korea last Friday threatening “unpredictable strikes” on the United States and South Korea?
Il: We did not release such comments. I will personally look into this matter and those responsible will be held accountable. Next question.
WUPR: Last year, when Former President Bill Clinton arranged for two Korean-American journalists mistaken for spies to be released, you pardoned and relea–
Il: –I know, it was an excellent display of our infinite humanitarianism. I opted not to execute torture withhold these imperialist agents who had been caught with our secret plans for the new Kim Il Sung 3-D action figure. I felt like the endless victories for Juche, the ideal form of socialism my father perfected, was irritating the Americans. I invited Mr. Clinton to my personal palace in the mountains. As I looked at his pleading gaze, he threw himself on his knees and asked for mercy. Alas, I conceded, and I personally released the imperialist transgressors.
WUPR: Oh, I was not informed of this fact. Our media sources were inadequate, as we had lost the remote with Fox News stuck on the television. There were reports that you were actually not there, but a body double had taken your place.
Il: That is preposterous. My love for my people would not allow me to perform such a cowardly deception. These unsubstantiated lies are simply spewed out of the imperialist pig’s mouth. My kidney is not failing, I have not suffered a stroke, and I am in perfectly good health.
WUPR: I must agree. You are looking particularly fruitful today, Dear Leader Il. Yet, you must have considered a successor to carry on the flame of your father, Eternal President Kim Il Sung. Is your eldest son, Kim Jong Nam, to be nominated when you ascend to the heavens?
Il: He is no longer the chosen one. He betrayed his country, his people, and most importantly myself by attempting to abandon our workers’ paradise. I was quite shaken when I learned that he had only erected two shrines in my honor unlike the required fifteen…
At this point, Mr. Kim Jong Il leaves and has an awkward emotional episode. One hour later…
WUPR: I’m sorry to bring up such a…sensitive topic. We have time for one more question, if you would not mind. Would you be willing to divulge information about the current state of the North Korean nuclear weapons program?
Il: Our nuclear technology has been successfully developed to deter any potential aggressors. We have recently developed a nuclear-plasma gun, named Kim Jong Il’s Fist, which can selectively discriminate between imperialist enemies and fellow socialists. I’m sorry, but I have matters to attend to; I must prepare for our daily mass-march commemorating my birthday.
WUPR: We’ll let you back to work, Dear Leader. Thank you for your time.
Join us next week for a one-on-one interview with former Wasilla City Councilwoman Ms. Sarah Palin.
(Editor’s Note: All quotes in this piece may be partly or wholly fictional. Shame on you for not knowing that)