The Belly of the Beast: Chapter 4

[Editor’s Note: [REDACTED]’s harrowing tales continue. To catch up, find previous chapters here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3]

We drank and I kept silent until Tom peeped up, asking me, “So how are you going to do it?”

“Well,” I answered, “first we need to obtain a writ of habeas corpus from an appellate court. Then we need to file for amicus curiae.” The men squinted and leaned forward as they tried to follow. Nathaniel had already given up and was now staring into space. “Now, we actually want to get rejected by the court, because that will mean that we set up an a priori situation. Then, the next time the government passes any law that deals with taxation, we can sue.”

By this point, I was two glasses in and starting to feel the effects of the whiskey. Leaning back in his chair, John asked, “So how’s the breach of contract?”

“Huh?” I asked, before remembering that I needed to make all of my bullshit match up. “Oh, yeah. We need to look at the Tenth Amendment and the Fourteenth Amendment. You see, the Constitution codifies the social contract, which is what they’re breaching. If they make any law to tax people after it, then that’s an ex post facto law, which is what we can sue them on. Quod erat demonstrandum, ipso facto, exempli gratia, ergo-nomics.”

“Wow!” shouted Curtis. “You can really sue the government!” The rest of the men were smiling, savoring the feeling: they were going to beat the government, playing the government’s game in the government’s home court.

We kept drinking and another bottle was opened. “Where are you going to college?” Tom asked.

“Washington University,” I answered.

Tom recoiled at the mention of the word Washington, fearing I was associated with the “Washington establishment” and everything that implied. “Washington?” he asked. “Like the state or the, uh, Washington, D.C.?”

“Actually,” I said, “It’s in St. Louis.”

“That’s in Washington?” Steve asked, “I always thought it was in Oregon.”

“A common misconception,” I said, motioning haughtily with my hand.

“Isn’t college really liberal?” somebody asked.

“Sort of,” I replied. “They still teach evolution in biology class, even though that was disproved fifty years ago. But the history courses now go up to Reagan, so they have to give him credit for ending the Cold War.” The men were nodding. “And that’s something no pinko liberal commie professor can take away,” I continued. “I mean, if Reagan didn’t bomb the Berlin Wall, that thing never would’ve come down.”

Tom was nodding so quickly that I feared he was having a seizure. “You…like history?,” he asked. “Have you read Glenn Beck’s books?” I shook my head. “I’ll go get you one.” He stumbled out of the tent.

He returned a couple minutes later and handed me Glenn Beck’s Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government (Inspired by Thomas Paine). “Thanks,” I mumbled.

“It’s really good,” Tom said. “It’s all about liberty and the founding fathers and corruption and tyranny in government.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s great. Liberty is constantly under attack by those activist judges. I mean, where do they get off going around the people to interpret the law? Why do they get to decide what the rule of law is?”

“Yeah!” shouted John. “Like, um…”

“Like how there’s no prayer in schools,” I said. “You know, this country was founded as a Christian nation. The Pilgrims came here for religion, and without it, they never could’ve survived. I know that the town of Salem was almost overrun, but they trusted their beliefs and stayed strong.” John nodded.

“The founding fathers were great,” Tom said.

“Yes,” I said, “yes they were. They were great, great men. And now liberal teachers only care about their flaws, like how they owned slaves…I mean, come on. Thomas Jefferson loved his slaves. Many times.”

———–

Only one chapter remains… Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion!