Talking Heads: Lipton's New Spokesperson
From the state of Alaska, a proud mother of five who has shot herself to the forefront of American politics joins WUPR for some one-on-one time.
WUPR: Good evening everyone. Please give your warmest welcome to Ms. Sarah Palin, former governor of our 50th state, 2008’s former vice-presidential hopeful, and currently, well, what do you do Ms. Palin?
Palin: The liberal media says that I parade around the country giving a bad name to conservatives. They say that many Republican politicians have grown tired of me and doesn’t give two shits about what I do or say. Well, that’s not true. I’m just as important as I always was. That’s why that old prune Johnny nominated me two years ago.
WUPR: That’s good to hear. We love hearing a success story in WUPR. You’ve been active in television recently, have you not? How are things going over on Fox?
Palin: Oh, just great actually. I premiered my own talk show yesterday, called…
Sneakily glances at hand, probably thinks no one noticed
…Real American Stories. It’s all about the everyday miracles in our wonderful nation. I got to interview LL Cool J, which I think will help me connect with our youth, especially with my utter lack of political knowledge my maverickosity. Over on TLC, my show about the wonderful natural beauty of my native Alaska is about to premiere soon. My whole life, I’ve been doing everything I can to protect nature, making every sacrifice to try to protect it.
WUPR: Obviously. Recorded media is always a good tool for those trying to hide their inadequate public speaking abilities. Speaking of which, we’ve been following your Twitter account too.
Palin: Oh, thanks so much! I think that by following me on Twitter, you are one step closer to making yourself a true American.
WUPR: Interesting. What are some other ways to prove our love for our country?
Palin: Well, remember Joe Six-Pack? I’ve been thinking about a new model for the normal, hard working American who also hates the socialists on the Hill: Bobby 12-Gauge!
WUPR: That’s not really a valid answer for the question I asked, but it’s catchy. Can you elaborate on how you came up with such a fitting label that can undoubtedly be applied to every real American?
Palin: Do you remember my Twitter post from a few days ago? “Commonsense conservatives & lovers of America: Don’t retreat, instead—RELOAD!” I took me five days and 33 moose head stews to think it up. Well, I was thinking about how I love guns and the rush of adrenaline I get when I see the look on Rudolph the Reindeer’s face when he knows that he isn’t gonna be helping Santa anytime soon.
Then I thought, you know, who doesn’t love that feeling? (Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?) Our Founding Fathers—all of them in fact—simply wanted to let us know that from the beginning of human history, in 1776, the greatest asset of America was the ready availability of highly overpowered guns. And I can’t believe that President Obama would have the nerve to prevent my little Trig from defending himself against big government with a military-issue automatic weapon.
WUPR: That is such a heartwarming story. I really think you’re on to something special, Ms. Palin. When you said “Commonsense conservatives,” who were you referring to?
Palin: My friends over in the Tea Party Organization, of course. You must know of the great good they are doing for our nation, uniting a vague, overgeneralized view of American politics with an inapplicable reference to historical events that does not make actual sense.
WUPR: What makes them different from other short-lived political movements?
Palin: They better represent conservative America than does the current GOP. We both complain about nothing in particular and neither of us offer any alternatives, but we wear cool hats festooned with teabags and carry rifles to our conventions. That, my friend, is the future of the United States.
WUPR: One more thing. If you were suddenly elected President, would you be ready to take on America’s current foreign issues?
Palin: Not my strongest subject in middle school, but I’m ready for anything because I have my country at my side.
WUPR: Okay. What would you do in Iran?
Palin: Well, that problems already pretty much solved isn’t it? Didn’t that Mission Accomplished banner mean anything? All the Iranians are thankful for us deposing Saddam Hussein and his WMDs.
WUPR: No, that’s Iraq. I said Iran. You know, with the nukes and not listening to us…
Palin: Sorry, geography wasn’t my best subject either. Well, I’d just blow Kim Jong Il to kingdom come right?
WUPR: We’d do the same Ms. Palin, we’d do the same. Thank you so much for your valuable time and good luck in your campaign to offend or anger most of America.
Join us next week for an exclusive interview with embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.