His Manliness, Vladimir Putin

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was scheduled to attend this week’s edition of Talking Heads with Taka Yamaguchi, but shortly before the scheduled interview, he was invited to the birthday party of a certain 18-year old Neapolitan beauty who is known to call Mr. Berlusconi “papi” (look it up if you don’t believe me). Evidently, he has urgent state matters to attend to.

Not to worry though, WUPR was able to make some encrypted calls and coded messages and was able to get a hold of one of the most manly people in the business. Please give a warm welcome to Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

WUPR: It’s a great pleasure to have you here Mr. Putin.

Putin: Nice to meet you too. I always have a great time in this country. I just came back from Texas, where my old friend George and I were sharing a few drinks and stories. He was particularly impressed by my run-in with a tiger on a hunting trip a little while back.

WUPR: Sounds like you haven’t lost your touch. What happened?

Putin: Well, I won’t give away too much but in the end, it was Vladimir 1, Animal Kingdom 0. It’s all on the Internet if you want to look into my other shirtless hunting adventures.

WUPR: I hear you also manhandled a protester outside the Bush’s ranch while you were there.

Putin: Yes, a silly American whiner got what was coming. George’s Secret Service detail was about to stop him, but I admit I wanted to show off a bit, you see. The fool had no idea what hit him when I unleashed my signature Harai Goshi, or sweeping hip throw. I practice Judo, you know.

WUPR: I’ve heard you’re quite the expert. Aren’t you a black belt?

Putin: Actually, I’m a sixth level black belt. One moment please, I should take this call.

Answers phone.

Putin: Hello? Who’s this? Oh. I’m really quite busy now Dimitry, can I call you back in a while?

…You’ve got a diplomatic dinner reception in an hour? Well, then, get dressed and go! What’s the issue?

…Umm, well you should wear those brown shoes I got you. They, ahem, make you look taller.

Putin: I’m sorry, where were we? (Russian President) Whatsisname always needs my advice on everything!

WUPR: Well, some have said you just make his decisions for him.

Putin: That’s absurd. We split our important tasks. Right now, I’m organizing the police forces for bringing the monsters behind the Moscow bombings to justice. Dimitry is taking care of figuring out the best animal mascot for the 2016 Sochi Olympics.

WUPR: We at WUPR were all shocked at the news of the bombings. How did the Russian people take it?

Putin: We all shared the same grief. Those responsible will be brought before the KGB people soon enough. I want nothing more than to have them stood up in front of me and to perform a sweeping ankle throw on them, or maybe a Uki Otoshi (floating drop). Every media outlet would cover it so that every Russian could enjoy it.

WUPR: Sounds like good old fashioned Russian justice. Speaking of media, would you like to elaborate on the string of journalists’ deaths throughout your presidency?

Putin: They were cowardly attacks by the Russian mafia, or Chechen rebels. The fact that many of them were critical of my government is just a coincidence, of course. Again? Excuse me.

Answers phone with visible irritation.

Putin: What do you want? Can’t it wait?

…What do you mean you can’t find a matching blue tie? Wear another one then.

…Damn it, just ask Lyudmila (my wife) for one of mine. Um, ask her for tie #2318. Okay, stop calling.

Putin: Little does he know that #2318 contains a tracking device. He always gets nervous and runs off somewhere in diplomatic situations. Anyway, let’s continue.

WUPR: What’s your take on Iran’s nuclear ambitions? Are you still against further sanctions?

Putin: I’ve spoken to your President Obama about this issue a lot. And I think I might be changing my mind, what with Ahmadinejad getting all uppity. He clearly doesn’t know where he belongs.

WUPR: Interesting, can you describe how the recent nuclear summit went?

Putin: Very well, in fact. It’s imperative that we keep these dangerous weapons away from any rogue parties while also reducing America’s and Russia’s nuclear arsenals.

WUPR: That’s why Russia offered to take Iran’s uranium and partially enrich it for them right?

Putin: Some people don’t understand that the Cold War is over. Both Russia and America have massive defense budgets, but they are for lots of tanks and guns—more conventional weapons instead of more nukes. Progress is great, isn’t it?

WUPR: It certainly is. It’s not like the old days when Russia was always trying to expand its influence on surrounding governments. *cough* Ukraine. *cough* Georgia. We are just about out of time, but can I ask you one more question?

Putin: Certainly.

At this point, WUPR was about to ask about the rumored suppression of opposition parties in recent Russian elections, but Mr. Putin gave such a sweet smile that WUPR was unable to continue.

WUPR: What’s your take on President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela? Reports are that you two have become close friends.

Putin: Hugo is a good guy. He says lots of gibberish about imperialists and hating America and all that, but he has lots of oil/needs lots of weapons has a funny accent which makes me chuckle.

WUPR: Thank you so much for your time sir. Hopefully, Medvedev has got everything sorted out.

Putin: For the life of me, I hope so too. Sometimes it’s like I’m doing his job for him, the ass.