Talking Heads: Winston Churchill
For this week’s edition of Talking Heads, WUPR was able to procure a time machine though our extensive and possibly sinister connections. WUPR was purchasing our Student Union allotted twenty Kalashnikovs in an Islamabad gun market when a Pakistani merchant fooled WUPR representatives into buying a faulty product. The seller had failed to tell us that the device was actually a reverse time machine which transported a random person from the past into 2010 for one hour.
Upon activation of device, a figure suddenly materializes in the PMC.
WUPR: Oh its a…hmm…bulldog? With a trillby?
Mysterious figure: So that’s what I get for all that I’ve done for you blokes.
WUPR: Is that…Sir Winston Churchill?
Churchill: Indeed it is.
WUPR: My apologies! I guess I’ll have to explain what’s going on.
Churchill: No, that won’t be necessary, I’ve been through much worse. Besides, I’ve been briefed. The world isn’t as it should be you know.
WUPR: I’m sorry to hear that. How so?
Churchill: Well, first of all, what the hell happened to Britain? Didn’t we, like, own half the world? Those colonies can’t go it themselves. That’s why I never supported Indian independence; they need British rule not to blow themselves back into the stone age.
WUPR: Actually, India is doing pretty well for itself—for now they’re still the world’s largest democracy. And I do believe they are better than Britain at cricket too.
Churchill: That’s unreasonable. Nonsense. How dare you criticize the Queen’s team.
WUPR: Um. Yes. Let’s move on. Do you have any advice on how to make this world better?
Churchill: In fact I do. Look at that sultry fool Ahmadinejad. Haven’t you ever read a history book? Say, you ever heard of one Neville Chamberlain?
WUPR: Yes of course. He was all about appeasement; he let Hitler do what he want so he wouldn’t do it anyway by force…
Churchill: …and how did that turn out? I think that our great nations (of which mine is still better) should go and take care of the whole Iran problem you have now. You know, do things the old fashioned way and give Ahmadinejad something to think about. I still wish I’d done the same when I had the chance back in ’38. We must stay vigilant against our threats.
WUPR: I think the world is different place now. But I admit, you definitely have the whole helped win World War II thing going for you.
Churchill: Remember my Iron Curtain speech? In your world, the communists have been replaced by those questionable “rogue states” or Axis of Evil or whatever. You can’t let the free world be bossed around like that! If you give, even a little, they’ll end up trying to take everything.
WUPR: Makes sense. But I think you forget about the two other wars we’ve busied ourselves with. Did you see the recent British election debates? Seems like you guys have taken a page from your friends across the pond.
Churchill: Yes. Very interesting to see our leaders now finally making good use of the media, getting to the hearts and minds of the British people. Except I did that 70 years ago on the radio, but everyone forgot after the war I guess. But no time for complaining; David Cameron seems like a good chap, being a fellow Conservative of course. He knows what’s best for Britain, I think. Gordon Brown, he’s um…how do you say it…not exactly charismatic. And Nick Clegg, well he’s just boring isn’t he.
WUPR: Good to see you’re on top of things sir.
Churchill: Thank you, I try. On the way here, a nice, white, middle-upper class 50-year old American man gave me a cup of tea and told me that you guys have a commie in Oval Office. Despicable. I can’t believe you let the reds get to you after all those hard years.
WUPR: I believe you came across a member of the so-called Tea Party Movement. I don’t think I’m technically allowed to say…
Churchill: …that they are full of crap? Yes, I became suspicious of him when he told me he had dedicated himself to American politics but pointed to New Zealand when I asked him where Iraq was.
WUPR: That’s not necessarily definitive of his not being a politician, but I understand your point.
Churchill: These kind of upstart political movements have always been around, some helpful, others just empty headed. In some ways, the world has changed. But in other ways, its very much the same. I hope your politicians realize that. Thank you for having me.
As WUPR watches in astonishment, Winston Churchill, starts his WWII-era Royal Air Force Spitfire, and flies away into the sunset. Stay tuned for more Talking Heads and more of the mysterious Pakistani time machine.