Feeding Frenzy: Unprintable

…The Catholic Church revised its rules for dealing with the sexual abuse of children. Abandoning its medieval ways, the Vatican directed bishops to report cases of sexual abuse to the police, lifted the statute of limitations on victims reporting abuse, ordered the defrocking of priests after they committed their first sexual assault—haha, just kidding. Actually, the Church declared that ordaining a woman a priest was a crime on par with molesting children. Glad to see that the Church has its priorities straight…

…A Chinese man was sentenced to three-and-a-half years in prison for organizing too many orgies. From his computer in the apartment he shared with his mother, he logged on to swingers’ chat rooms using the screen name “Roaring Virile Fire” and organized orgies with the help of a woman who used the screen name “Passionate Fiery Phoenix.” A certain dashing journalist attempted to infiltrate the chat room using the screen name “Flaming Hungry Hungry Hippo,” but the plan was doomed by his inability to speak Mandarin. Now, he just wishes his inbox weren’t flooded by strange Chinese men sending pictures of their genitals…

…Though former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich faced 24 separate charges in his corruption trial, he was only convicted of one charge, demonstrating that a rich, powerful white man can still get an unfair trial in this country…

…Advice to the Tea Party: if you’re so concerned that Obama is setting up a tyrannical, Big Brother-style government, you should pretend you’re gay; there’s no better way to get Obama to ignore you. Calling yourselves “the Tea Party” is a good first step…