Talking Heads: Robert Mugabe
To escape the bitter St. Louis chill over break, Talking Heads hopped over to Harare, Zimbabwe, warmed by the African sun and the kind welcome that President Robert Mugabe so graciously gave us. Never mind the American government has said he is undermining democracy, the man knows how to be a good host.
Talking Heads: Very nice to meet you Mr. President.
TH: Reputation says you’re a very astute man. How else could you have stayed in power for so long? All those Western media outlets just try to make you look bad.
RM: I know more than anyone else. You can’t just start throwing around words like “mass murderer,” which is, in fact, a terrible descriptor of yours truly. Besides, now I’m sharing power with my Prime Minister, Morgan Tsvangirai—I’ve always been an understanding politician and willing to compromise.
TH: Some say that you used particularly harsh methods in your rise to power. Are those claims unsubstantiated also?
RM: Well, look at all my supporters all across the continent of Africa. I think you know what us Pan-Africans would say to those agents of entrenched colonialism.
TH: A hypothetical situation, if you don’t mind. What if a guerrilla leader turned savvy politician simply jailed and killed off everyone who didn’t like him in order to make it look like he has widespread support? And what about if that same leader ordered his political opponent’s wife dismembered and burned alive?
RM, aghast: It definitely wouldn’t happen in Zimbabwe, not under my watch. Um, where did you hear about that? How do you even come up with these supposed hypotheticals?
TH: I must have read it in some silly, unimportant imperialist media puppet, the something Times or whatever. Never mind that, I remember hearing about election ballot boxes being thrown out on the side of the road in a Zimbabwean election a few years back. You don’t know anything about that do you?
RM: Conspiracies, all of them. Besides, those boxes are expensive, why wouldn’t I just throw away the ballots themselves and save them for the next rigged election? Figuratively speaking, of course.
TH: Of course not. Let’s discuss some of your radical policies.
RM: One second, it’s a little cold in here isn’t it?
Mr. Mugabe throws some Zimbabwean cash into a fireplace.
RM: Zimbabwe is too good to have its own unit of currency. I mean, we did print off some 100 trillion Zimbabwean dollar bills last year, but the rampant hyperinflation just tells us that the rest of the world can’t keep up with us. We tried dropping 12 zeroes off the currency, but that didn’t work the last four times. We didn’t beat Hungary’s inflation record though…sadly, 5.16*1018% annual inflation just wasn’t enough for the Guinness books. Bummer.
TH: Sorry to hear that. Maybe you’ll have another go soon, I’m sure Zimbabweans wouldn’t mind. What do you think got you into that predicament?
RM: Firstly, after my land reforms, we Zimbabweans are actually too productive. This explains our 80% unemployment rate—to make sure we don’t make everyone else jealous I let a few citizens rest.
TH: Can you give us a refresher on those land reforms?
RM: So after we wrested power away from white-minority rule, real Zimbabweans, er, redistributed land away from colonialist white farmers and into the hands of blacks. It was entirely peaceful, and there were no instances of systematic torture or murder or the government turning a blind eye.
TH: So, according to these statistics, agricultural production plummeted, sending the economy into a severe downward spiral. Is that right?
RM: That is wrong, our economy faltered because the United States and the European Union imposed economic sanctions on Zimbabwe because they hate seeing Africans succeed, covering it up by saying that Zimbabweans were being oppressed by the government. Me? Oppress? Can’t be.
TH: I think that’s all we have time for Mr. Mugabe, but please send our regards to Mr. Tsvangirai. Thank you for your time.
RM: Thank you for coming, and I’m sure Morgan would have loved to be here too but he is still in his cage, and I haven’t fed him today yet had matters to attend to.