You Might Feel A Pinch
After Herman Cain was accused of sexual harassment, his poll numbers rose and his campaign was flooded with donations. Although voters appreciated his lechery, they were ultimately drawn to somebody with more experience. The Republican party opened its trench coat and unveiled its new flavor of the month, Newt Gingrich. Gingrich claims that he will get Washington working again, a bold assertion from the man who shut down the federal government in order to flip off Bill Clinton.
As long and as painful as the Republican primary has been, it’s less than halfway over. There are eleven debates left, but I’m already sick of watching horrible rich people squawk at each other. This is less a run for the presidency than it is an audition for an E! reality show.
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The Zetas are Mexico’s most feared crime syndicate. Anyone who stands up to the Zetas does so with the knowledge that they are putting their lives, and the lives of their families, at great risk. Police can do nothing; cities quiver and fall in their shadow. Sometimes, however, we find heroes in the most unlikely places, such as their mom’s basement.
When an innocent girl was kidnapped in broad daylight, a brave group of trolls groaned, lifted themselves from their computer chairs, and proclaimed that they would destroy the Zetas like a bag of half-pound gorditas. The hacking group known as Anonymous threatened to release a list of corrupt politicians if the girl was not released. Although the hackers would appear outmatched, they had a key advantage over the Zetas: it’s hard to behead somebody when you can’t find their neck. The Zetas, sensing the desperation of a hundred virgins convinced that their time had come, released the girl. Both groups are sworn to secrecy, raising suspicions that the whole saga was just a hoax based on a pasty white-knight fantasy. Still, it’s an inspiring story paralleling that of David and Goliath, except that David is twice as heavy as Goliath and instead of a sling, he’s armed with a twenty-four pack of Nos.
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The city of Topeka, Kansas repealed its domestic violence law in order to save money. Possessing a bong will still get you a year in jail, unless you use it to hit your wife.
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The Occupy Wall Street protestors have been driven from their camps, finally allowing investment bankers to concentrate on building the next recession.
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The central mortuary of the US Air Force mixed up an undetermined number of bodies. The guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier will now have to patrol the entire cemetery.
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In accordance with Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama pardoned a turkey. The State of Georgia refused to pardon a turkey because it contained dark meat.