All of our worst suspicions are true

‘Mmmerica

• President Obama reveals that he is a closet Muslim after his prayer rug was found in the Oval Office. Why else would he keep his middle name Hussein? Close inspection of his inauguration photographs reveal they were doctored to have him swearing on a Bible, instead of the Qur’an that he was actually sworn in on. Republicans state that this would, of course, render him ineligible for a second term as his loyalties have been thrown into question. Just look at JFK’s secret alliance with the Pope, they say.
• He also admits that the birth certificate he released to the public was actually made by the same sketchy guy that charged you $100 for that damn fake ID that didn’t even scan properly.

• Following a recent trend, Rick Santorum admits that he is secretly gay after a YouTube sensation involving his namesake, and that his entire political stance against gay rights was his being in denial. Furthermore, he opposes Don’t Ask Don’t Tell so that gay people like him are not required to serve, should selective service be reinstated.

• MIT researchers publish a paper in Science concluding that Mitt Romney is actually a robot, programmed to say whatever will please his current constituencies. They were surprised to find that the robot lacked the more plebeian steel components and used gold alloy instead.

• Newt Gingrich is divorcing his third wife. Everyone is shocked.

• Ron Paul is found to have been senile since 1995. A simple paperwork error mistakenly released him from the nursing home, doctors apologize.

• Creationism is finally proven to be scientific fact, after years of anticipation. Obstinate Evolutionists refuse to subscribe to “just another theory,” as they call it, even in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence. They plan to build a Evolution Museum, which is to be also known as Earth.

• AIPAC found to be most powerful lobbying organization on Capitol Hill. They definitely represent the entire American Jewish community’s voice.

Commies and Terrorists and the rest of the world

• Pakistan’s ISI sends President Obama a handwritten note: “…Ever heard of a body double?”

• Israel decides that forcing all Ultra-Orthodox Jews to work for low wages throughout the week is actually more cost-efficient than doing the same to Palestinians. The IDF also approves of this measure, as demonizing the Ultra-Orthodox requires less ammunition.

• Bibi and Mahmoud, encouraged by the recent Israel <3 Iran campaign and counter-campaign, kiss and make up and realize that they have a common enemy. They point to the Jews’ and Muslims’ expulsion at the hands of Spanish crusaders in the Spanish Inquisition as proof of their inseparable unity against a common foe: Christianity. America shits its collective pants.

• Putin steps down as President/Prime Minister/Czar of Russia, citing his desire to fully engross himself in boxing polar bears and wooing Muscovite beauties with his abs. Gary Kasparov will be sworn in as Prime Minister of Russia Monday, 4/2, at Graham Chapel, at 4.30pm. Be there!

• China to unilaterally withdraw from Tibet and grant it sovereignty. White middle-class university students and washed-up hippies decide that Tibet does not deserve their attention anymore; Edgy novelty gift retailers despair.

• Greece and Italy announce creative new measures to jump-start their struggling economies. Greece will call on the Greek diaspora to raise pizza prices by a patriotic 400%, and Italy will demand royalties every time someone uses a fake Italian accent or mentions Mario and/or Spicy Meatballs in the same sentence.

• Egypt’s majority party in parliament, the Muslim Brotherhood, announces a theocratic state ruled by a strict interpretation of Sharia, plus everything else that certain fear-mongering Republicans can think of.