Feeding Frenzy

As the election draws closer, this column becomes harder to write, since it’s hard to type and vomit at the same time. As we celebrate the climax of our democracy, which tears the country between left and right and those who don’t care, let’s remember that this bullshit will never end. Bill Clinton was recently asked if Hillary planned to run in 2016, and he responded that he had “no earthly idea.” The next day, the headlines read: “Bill Clinton fuels speculation about his wife, 2016.” Still, worse than the Democrats and the Republicans, worse even than the apathetic, are those who claim that all politicians are the same and we’re screwed either way. It’s a way to sound informed while absolving yourself of the responsibility to care. Really, you’ve just adopted a political philosophy gleaned from Jay Leno monologues.

Bill Clinton is back on top, and the nation is loving it. With a 69% favorability rating and his recently discovered super-vegan powers, Clinton is barnstorming the country for the Obama campaign. As soon as he agreed to speak at the Democratic National Convention, they gave him a primetime slot, bumping Joe Biden to the next evening. Poor Biden—it’s no coincidence that his only item in the Obama-Biden store is a beer koozie. At the DNC, Clinton went off the teleprompter and made sweet rhetorical love for 49 minutes. When Clinton finished, the public called for four more years, though it was unclear whom they were calling for.

The world was shocked and enthralled by topless pictures of Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge. Somehow, topless pictures of Queen Elizabeth didn’t have the same appeal.

Apple released the iPhone 5, which has changed everything by making the screen slightly taller. If Apple claims to have started one more revolution, it’ll qualify as an African country.

Terrorists attacked the US consulate in Libya with RPGs, killing four diplomats. After a lengthy investigation, officials announced that the attack had been planned. Of course it was: people can’t just walk around carrying a bazooka—it’s not Florida.

Romney released his 2011 tax returns, which drew criticism from conservatives, who wanted him to keep fighting. Alex Castellanos, strategist for Romney’s 2008 campaign, put it this way: “you don’t serve a life sentence and then confess afterward.” Indeed, you don’t do much of anything after you serve a life sentence. Along with his returns, Romney released a letter from his personal physician, who wrote that Romney “is a vigorous man…[with] reserves of strength, energy, and stamina that provide him with the ability to meet unexpected demands. There are no physical impairments that should interfere with his rigorous and demanding political career as the next President of the United States.” Yes, for the past six years, Romney’s job has been “the next President of the United States.”

Todd Akin, known for his “legitimate rape” comments, remains in the Missouri Senate race. Indeed, Akin doubled down on his sexism, declaring that Senator Claire McCaskill wasn’t “ladylike” in their debate. Quietly, the national Republican Party has come slithering back to Akin’s side, since they aren’t willing to give up the Senate seat. Maybe the RNC should try to deserve the Senate before they focus on winning it. Indeed, because of their backward opinions, this election is shaping up to be a legitimate rape.

With an 18-point deficit among women, the Romney campaign is desperate to make up the gender gap. Instead of refuting hardcore social conservatism, Team Romney said: “women—aren’t they those machines that pump out babies?” Accordingly, they came up with a new series of ads showing babies crying as their mothers tell them about the debt under Obama. Alex Catellanos, challenging Thomas Friedman for the title of worst moustached metaphorist, was eager to explain the strategy. “People know they’re in a hole,” he told the New York Times. “What they want is to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. They don’t want you to throw the baby in the tunnel.”

Life expectancy for white men without a high school diploma has dropped to 67.5 years. Experts advise all white men to rub themselves with diplomas twice a week.

For years, contraceptive IUDs were restricted to women in monogamous relationships who had already had children. In light of recent research demonstrating that IUDs are not powered by family values, but by hormones, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology recommended that teenage patients be offered IUDs as a first-line treatment. Social conservatives, demoralized and exhausted, lacked the strength to fight the recommendation, offering only a few half-hearted quips about the “Intrauterine Devil.” Soon, the Christian Right may have to give up its opposition to birth control; after all, if God can create the heavens and the earth, he can break a condom.

Meanwhile, pediatricians are continuing to campaign against trampolines, mostly because they hate fun, and also because trampolines cause 100,000 injuries a year. Many people scoffed at the recommendation, since “I turned out just fine”—after all, kids need to be exposed to danger, like bugs and dogs and vertebral artery dissection. Despite their prissy-pants opposition to breakable plastic toys and eating only Oreos and Kool-Aid, the doctors say that trampolines are fine, so long as belts and harnesses are used. Warning: if you’re using belts and harnesses, gynecologists now recommend that you have an IUD. Make sure you have a look at the Review of this trampoline 14ft with enclosure before you decide to avail one for yourself.

According to a Harvard researcher, a Coptic Church scroll suggests that Jesus had a wife. In response, Catholics attacked the Egyptian embassy and burned a Harvard sweatshirt in effigy.

Michelle Obama narrowly beat Ann Romney in a cookie bake-off held by Family Circle magazine. Obama’s cookies, which bring together white and dark chocolate chips in harmony, beat Romney’s M&M cookies by only 234 votes. Romney gaffed by basing her cookies on oatmeal, proving that Republicans just don’t understand the concerns of average Americans.

Experts are divided over whether the presidential debates are critical or meaningless, depending on whether their side won or lost. The debates give the candidates their best chance to make a direct appeal to the nation, but more importantly, they give the candidates a chance to screw up. Mitt Romney has been drilling for weeks, hoping that programmed responses will help him overcome his robotic image. Meanwhile, Team Obama downplayed expectations, portraying Obama as a bumbling debater, sure to be used by Romney like a mop. It’s a smart strategy: when Sarah Palin was praised for making it ninety minutes without falling into a chasm of ignorance, it showed that it’s less important to win than to exceed expectations. Though both candidates are prepared, their ties approved by focus groups and their makeup artists battle-tested, the debates have ways of surprising us. Obama might start to say what he really thinks about Romney, or Romney might call Obama a “ni—uh, a nice guy.”

		Mitt Romney 6’ 2”, 184 lb		Barack Obama 6’ 1”, 180 lb	Edge
Reach		The 1%		Admired/burned in effigy all over the world
Hair		Glorious, sleek, presidential		Rapidly graying; his greatest sacrifice for America
Religion		Kooky but harmless		Muslim Socialist Kenyan Nazi
Main Strength		Successful, moderate conservative governor. Too bad the GOP primary happened.		If you vote for him, you’ll totally get to meet George Clooney.
Main Weakness		Not very good at this “campaign” thing		Failed to walk on water even once
Worst Gaffe		Repeated the word “jobs” for nearly eight minutes until a paper clip was found and he was reset.		Failed to flip economy switch to “growth”
X Factor		If Occupy Wall Street couldn’t get 99% support just by denouncing the 1%, can Romney grab the 53%?		Can he remain silent and let Romney make the case for his reelection?
Last Minute Appeal		Promising to lower the middle class tax rate to what he pays		Will recover Osama bin Laden’s body and stick his head on a pike on the White House lawn