Gary Johnson Caught in a Blaze of Accusations Surrounding Vandalism
BREAKING NEWS:
The crosswalk at the intersection of Forest Park Parkway and Throop Drive is beloved by Wash U undergrads for providing safe passage to and from pre-WILD escapades, post-WILD culinary outings, and, of course, going home to pass out before WILD.
However, on the morning of September 10, 2016, Chancellor Wrighton was appalled to find the message “Free the Herb” spray painted across the cement of the metro station divider that runs along the intersection. “I will not put up with this kind of delinquent behavior,” said Wrighton. “Not in my backyard.”
The Chancellor tasked WUPD Officer, BD Frequenter, and Segway-aficionado, Blaine, with carrying out an in-depth investigation into the identity of the herb liberating vandal. Blaine scoured hours of security camera footage that showed little action other than the occasional close-call of a jaywalking student and oncoming traffic. Last night, however, new evidence surfaced that shed light on the smoky situation.
Washington University Political Review is the first to confirm startling new allegations have arisen against Libertarian Party Candidate Gary Johnson. In newly released security footage, it appears that Johnson can be identified defacing the wall with spray paint.
“And what is Wash U?” Asked a perplexed Johnson at a press conference this morning. Johnson was informed that it was not in fact located in Seattle, nor his second assumption, Syria, but rather in St. Louis. He responded, “Ah, got it.”
Rumors of his part in the crime began circulating when, during a campaign visit to St. Louis two weeks ago, Johnson was spotted “chilling” in the trench along the side of Forsyth at 12:30 am. He reportedly was next seen consuming a deluxe cookiewich at Insomnia Cookies at 1:15 am, leaving a 45-minute block during which his whereabouts are unaccounted for. Johnson’s alibi that he was dining at the Peacock Diner during this time was quickly disproved because of the unprecedented service speed this would mean for the 24-hour diner.
The Chancellor and Officer Blaine have said a possible motive for Johnson’s behavior is his anger over reports that he will most likely not make the cut-off for entry into the second debate to be hosted on Wash U’s campus. On the other hand, WUPR analysts believe this might be the result of Johnson’s effort to secretly expand the business of Cannabis Sativa Inc.— the marijuana branding company he was formerly the CEO for—into Missouri, despite vows to go “cold turkey” for the duration of his campaign.
The major party candidates responded quickly once news of the pending allegations broke, and needless to say, took to their favorite portal for discussing their feelings: Twitter.
“Who cares about Dopey Gary Johnson? Weird guy. Irrelevant. A disgrace!” – Trump
“How does Gary Johnson’s message make you millennials feel? Tell us in 4 emojis or less – H” – Hillary Clinton
At this time, Johnson’s campaign has chosen not to comment.