Coloring Outside the Lines

As kids, questions regarding “identity” were an opportunity for my younger sister and I to show off the Indian-Venezuelan-Irish heritage that we knew would prompt further questions from confused friends and only slightly less puzzled adults. Over time, “identity” evolved into something more meaningful; at times a source of insecurity about our appearances, linguistic limitations, and larger place in the world, but also a license to travel between communities, inhabit different spaces, and better empathize with people from different backgrounds. 

In the US, Indian-Americans make up about 1% of the population. “Indian” is a categorization that contains countless linguistic, cultural, and religious identities including people like me who come from mixed-race families. This diversity is already present at WashU, and a growing number of students identify as mixed-race. Yet oftentimes our identities still bewilder and even intimidate our peers. This is true especially in communities like the Indian diaspora which, despite increasing instances of cultural mixing, often remains insular in the United States. In the hopes of demonstrating our community’s diversity, and making that diversity more accessible, I talked to four South Asian WashU students about their mixed-race identities. Their answers demonstrate the wide range of experiences present in our community as well as reveal profound similarities across different upbringings.

Very simply, how do you self-identify? 

Soraya Moss ‘20: It’s funny because you say it’s very simple but sometimes it’s not! My mother was born in Guyana in South America, which was a British colony until the 1960s. Since it was a British colony there was a large Indian population there, and her ancestors came to Guyana from [the Indian state of] Gujarat. She grew up in this mixed Caribbean-Indian culture. My dad is of Irish, Scottish, English, and French descent, and was born in New Jersey. To be honest, when talking to people about myself, I usually say just ‘mixed’. It depends on who’s asking, I’ve had a lot people assume I’m just Indian, and sometimes that’s just easier. 

Ajay Walther ‘21: I’m a mixed kid, I identify as half-Indian, half-white, my mother is from India and my dad is German-American raised in California. I identify as a biracial Indian-German-American kid, and I definitely identify strongly with being from New York.

Sameer Chaparala ‘23: My mom is from Morocco and my dad is from India. I don’t fit in a general category, like ‘African’ or ‘Asian’ so that’s why I always add the specific countries.

Olivia Shaw ‘21: Half Indian and half white. Both my parents were born in Canada, and I was born and raised in Toronto before moving to the US in middle school. I would say that I am not at all culturally Indian…when my grandparents moved to Canada, they didn’t try to take any culture with them they really tried to assimilate. So I would say that I am culturally Canadian.

How do you relate to the Indian community?

SM: I strongly identify with the Indian community, and my aunts and uncles do as well, but immediate nuclear family doesn’t. My mom is a strong lady, but I think being from where she’s from and being a woman and a woman of color has been more of something that held her back than propelled her forward and for that reason, she doesn’t really talk about it. Most people assume that the reason I started doing classical Indian dance was my mom, it was actually my dad who pushed me to do it. It’s funny because, I have it in my blood, but I really grew in the Indian community because of the dance that I was doing. Bharatnatyam classical dance became such a huge part of my identity…I think I attribute my identifying with the Indian community to that.

AW: Definitely through Ashoka (Wash U’s South Asian Student Association). In my friend group from home I’m often the only brown kid there, I’ve never had that full experience of being part of a brown community with kids my age. Despite all of its flaws, Ashoka has been that cultural home for me, where I can appreciate and flourish in my culture and also express my culture to others.

SC: The Indian American community is big everywhere, even if it’s as a minority it’s still prominent. I tend to gravitate toward that, especially since everybody looks pretty much like me, so it’s easier to find that community. When I was younger my grandparents would also take me to the temple all the time.

OS: I feel like I don’t really. Sometimes I wish that I was more able to relate. My mom doesn’t talk about identity, she’s just Canadian. In my mind things are not as segregated in Canada, so I don’t think she ever felt like she needed another strong identity.

How does religion play into your identify?

AW: I come from three different religious backgrounds. My dad is an agnostic who was raised in a Protestant Christian background and my mom comes from a blended Hindu and Sikh background. One struggle for me was figuring out which religion to adopt, and I’ve probably rolled with Sikhism the most because I have had the most exposure to it and identify with the values. At the same time, I believe in all three, and the values they share. I’ll hit up mass on Christmas, the Gurudwara on Sikh holidays, and the temple for Hindu celebrations.

SC: There are two different religions embedded in [my family]. Growing up I would do a Pooja for Ganesh and also do Ramadan and Eid celebrations. I don’t think about it too much; they both exist in my life.

OS: On my mom’s side my grandfather’s family is Christian, and my grandmother’s is Sikh, they moved to Canada to be together and they both dropped religion once there. My dad’s family is lightly Christian meaning that I went to church a couple times a year. Religion is not a big part of my immediate family life.

What are some privileges of being mixed-race?

SM: When I came to college was the first time, I had blank slate to decide who I was going to be and how I was going to present myself. I was more appreciative that my identity could be something I chose without anyone’s input. I feel like a lot of people take offense to the question of “what are you?”… I honestly don’t have a problem with that because I relish in talking about my past and sharing it with others.

AW: The fact that I get to embrace the positives and the negatives of both cultures. When you’re a mixed race kid you have a broad perspective from observing how cultures do things differently from one another. I think it has made me a lot more open-minded.

SC: Definitely travel. My parents had the ability to travel and I therefore had the opportunity to visit my grandparents and cousins in both Morocco and India. Also definitely appreciation for culture, I’ve been exposed to so many different aspects of culture, whether it’s through food, rituals, or languages.” 

Does identify influence your thinking relationships and starting a family?

SM: I am familiar with all the tropes from different communities where parents want to push their children to marry within the same identity. Coming from a mixed background kind of  dissipates that, because there’s no pressure, you’d be a hypocrite! So that implicitly plays a role because the pressure to marry within a group isn’t there. I feel like I kind of dodged a bullet with not having to be forced to marry someone of a certain identity.

SC: I feel like I’m probably more open relationship-wise since my parents are from different backgrounds. If everything around me was only Indian, then I might have a different mindset about what love looks like.

OS: I don’t know if non-mixed race people think about marrying someone of a different race  and having mixed race children, for me, regardless of who I marry that’s going to be the case for me, so I don’t really think about that. I do want to raise my kids Canadian. It’s a different political culture. Everything that I value in terms of social equality and environmental protection is more strongly valued in Canada.

Are there any insecurities that stem from your identity? 

SM: Everyone has their qualms with filling out applications that ask about ethnicity. Culturally and ethnically, a lot of my identity conforms to Guyana and the Caribbean. But if I were to fill out Caribbean on an application it falls under the category of black. I always wish that those questionnaires had “fill in the blank” rather than “fill in a bubble.” In moments like that my identity comes into question because my family hasn’t lived in India for several generations.  Where do you draw the line from where you’re from?

AW: There are moments where I don’t feel like I belong to either community…I’ve definitely had my fair share of people, both brown and white, telling me that ‘oh you’re not really brown or not really white’. I’ve even had people in Ashoka tell me that to my face and behind my back. I definitely subconsciously put self through process of proving my identity because of the far of being  brushed off as ‘whitewashed’ or just white. I try to put myself out there and that subconscious feeling is what got me so involved in Ashoka in the first place. 

SC: I have this identity, but I don’t know what to do with it or what it means. My identity is different than someone who is ‘pure Indian’ but I don’t know how to feel about that…does the identity even matter if I physically look like this [Indian]? I thought about it a lot coming to college and trying to find a community”. Sometimes I wish I could look half-Moroccan, but other than that I’m chilling.

OS: White people know I’m not white. Actually a lot of people assume I’m of Hispanic descent; it happens several times a year where people, both older white people and Spanish native speakers, just start speaking to me in Spanish. That’s a tangent, but in general, I don’t feel like I fit into either community (white or Indian). In the US, white people assume that I’m part of a different community. Struggling with these aspects of my identity didn’t really happen until I came to the US. 

AW: I want people to know that you  should never feel ashamed of who you are. Bring out the best in yourself and in where you come from.