Go with the Flow

It is my first summer in the United States, and I will spend the entire season here. This summer in St. Louis is as hot and changeable as ever before, but many things have made it a unique time in my life.

 My vacation officially began after May 6, but local weather swung between late spring and early summer. Staying on campus with a suitemate in early May, I spent my days watching movies and riding my bicycle.

“Our summer vacation is so long,” I told my family and friends back in China, boasting of how much time I could relish.

“Four months at least. I don’t know when school will begin next semester.” I was still waiting for an email about our return in the fall.

 “Do carefully plan for your summer wisely.” Mom urged me on my phone, “Are you remembering to prepare for your GRE? When will you take it?”

“September 5.”

 I groaned, “I know! Hopefully school will open later than my test day!”

In mid June, I moved to my study-mate’s apartment, became her roommate, and we commenced our legal living-together journey. Studying for the GRE with her was one of the best choices I had ever made, because my study-mate’s efficiency and discipline motivated me. The pandemic outside was rampant, but my life studying and relaxing was so undisturbed. I was worrying about whether we would have a chance to study offline next semester, and then I was notified that school hoped to have hybrid classes beginning on September 14.

“Bravo!” I smiled at my roomie. She is also from China, and both of our summer travel plans were canceled because we didn’t want to risk our lives flying for over 15 hours in a crowded capsule. With her company, I could follow a better routine, cook more nutritious food, and do things more effectively.

Concurrently, I was working on a short sci-fi novel that could free me from the messy and preposterous world outside. I set a strict rule for myself, and often, if I couldn’t write for the same amount every day, I would feel fairly frustrated. 

“You plan to write 5,000 words per day?” After hearing my ideal plan, my roommate nearly dropped her jaw.

“It’s A LOT! But I believe you can do it. And don’t push yourself too much for that.”

My roomie and I are different in personality and living styles, so we often had small misunderstandings and had to compromise with each other’s needs. But we somehow communicated constantly and managed to go through some gaps in our discrepancies. I gradually began to exercise my skill in “finding commonalities” among people, and I found it pretty useful to gain a sense of “empathy” with others. We shared similar majors, similar tastes for food, and luckily, we were both attending churches online during Sundays. We read the Bible twice a week, and I particularly enjoyed the moment when we all closed our eyes and prayed with  each other. It was similar to practicing mindfulness – staying in the moment, and letting appreciation replace other disturbing feelings.

Time was slipping away like a quiet stream, but something disturbed our life when we received ICE’s new policy regarding F-1 international students on July 8. It was not my first time hearing rumors about international students being asked to leave the country when the pandemic hit us, but this time it was real.

I didn’t really know how to deal with the problem, and I felt very worried about how I would continue my college life. It was around this time that I received a message from a friend concerning the policy. He graduated this year, and was about to become a physicist, but he still cared about school affairs. He listed information about the policy and links of petitions that I could sign. He encouraged me not to feel isolated because I was not the only one feeling worried and agitated as a result of the policy. He was not an international student, but he was so supportive that he gave me tons of hope to confront the capricious changes with calmness and courage in my turbulent studying abroad life.

Another development also made me incandescently happy. After attending a small picnic event arranged by my church friends on July 11, I was baptized and became an authentic Christian. I wanted to follow God and fulfill his wishes and goals. I wanted to walk along with him and be one of his proud daughters. And by believing in something greater than myself, I was stronger and more confident of my ability and my life.  

Even though I consider myself a positive person, I still often suffer from a lot of pressure. Pressure is so ubiquitous in my life that it comes from moving in and out, studying for the GRE, attending churches, having my life influenced by government policies, and so much more. Despite the existence of all the negative sides of these stresses, something called “eustress” is beneficial. It describes  important events in life which bring more happiness than the stress that is associated with them. For me, I consider studying for the GRE, writing stories, and attending church as my “eustresses” because they fulfill my intellectual, artistic and spiritual needs, cultivate my self-control, and help me grow.

Some tiny happy things cheer me up, giving me strength to think positively.

One afternoon, I was biking on a narrow road. A elderly pedestrian walking a dog came by and waved “hello” at me. While we kept a strict 6-feet distance from each other, our eyes were smiling at each other above the masks, and our hearts were giving each other a hug.

 The first time when I finished biking and went back, I had trouble opening my apartment front door with a bike in hand. The front-desk lady saw me and helped me open the door. There was a distance between her desk and the door, but thereafter she came out every time to open the door for me. When she said “good night”, she smiled with eyes bending into two crescents.

It was because of all these priceless moments that I realized that masks prevent the disease from spreading, but it won’t keep the kindness away. The pandemic can hurt people’s bodies, but it cannot deteriorate people’s souls. The tiny but strong connections I made between random people on the streets gave me faith.

Another thing worthwhile to mention was my accidental discovery of the best way to watch a glorious sunset. One day in mid-July, I biked to campus as usual to meet a friend who loved painting. We planned to go to the East End to watch the sunset, where she once took most of her art classes. Then I saw my favorite building on campus, Seigle Hall, and I couldn’t help but want to take a walk inside. We climbed to the third floor, and unexpectedly, nine orange patches were cast onto a white wall in front of a window with nine glass lattices. From the high and advantageous point, the view was gorgeous. It was then I realized that some unexpectedly breathtaking views could be gained without being planned—these were serendipity gifts earned through open-mindedness. 

If I apply the same mindset to my life, I guess one way to deal with stress is to set my expectations for life simple—live one day at a time and live healthily and happily. It is not an easy thing to keep oneself healthy when the world is under the pressure of COVID-19. It is an uneasy time when one’s self-assurance is challenged and when one’s academic journey is filled with some uncertainties. But I can still cherish my summer inside—in a tiny but immense space where I can study, create, and laugh. My thoughts are boundless no matter where I am and no matter what happened outside, so I can spend my summer as meaningfully as I wish. My future is not limited to where I am not and I am sure that my fear and the uncertain feelings I have are temporary. My life is delineated and designed by my own hands and perspectives, so I can make it as happy as I can. Just go with the flow and cherish every day. I am lucky to be alive, healthy, and happy, and nothing can defeat those who can still smile when confronting challenges. 

Meanwhile, I also imagine what I want to see in the near future. One day, when schools are open without worrying about taking precautions, when the economy is reviving, when everything is back to the true normal and when everyone can enjoy the breeze of life freely without worrying about the disease, I would smile at my life before the pandemic and felt grateful about the tough but important time and lessons I have been through and learned. There are many summers in my life, but no summer is as uneasy and unforgettable as this one.

Cover art by Shonali Palacios, design lead