In New York City, there is a statue in Hudson Yards known as The Vessel. Interlocking and weaving it’s way up 16 stories with 154 flights of stairs, I did not want to climb it. So, when given the option to wait in an hour-long line for the ‘opportunity’ to give myself a workout, I turned away. An hour after I left, a news alert popped up on my phone. “14-year old boy jumps from the top of The Vessel”.

I spent the rest of the day moving numbly between tourist attractions, blinking away tears, and desperately trying to distract myself from what had happened. I mourned for the loss of his life and the pain his four family members, who had accompanied him to the top of The Vessel, must have felt. But in the back of my mind, I heard a voice whispering, “if you had been there, you could’ve stopped it.”

When I think back to the moment I turned away from The Vessel, I am still overwhelmed with guilt. Logically, I know it was unlikely for me to be at the same place at the same time as this boy. What were the chances that I would have even had the chance to speak with him? Even if I had, could I have saved his life?

Feeling guilt for your own survival (fittingly called “survivor’s guilt”) makes it easy to get trapped in a loop of “what if I had done this instead.” If you were in a car accident and were hit by a rogue driver running a red light, you may get caught in a cycle of “I could have walked, I could have taken the bus, I could have ridden my bike.” Movies like “Happy Death Day” and “Groundhog Dog” actually play off of this premise of being caught in a time loop and redoing things until they are the perfect scenario of what could have been.

Why do we function this way? Why are we caught in a sequence of illogical “should haves” and “could haves”? The answer may surprise you. Some theorists suggest that our self-guilt may arise because it is easier to blame oneself for things in order to maintain a sense of control rather than to acknowledge our own helplessness. Accepting the idea that there is truly nothing I could have done to prevent the suicide of that 14-year-old boy on top of The Vessel is horrifying. It feels easier to blame myself than it does to accept how little control I have to prevent suicide.

An important lesson we learn in Uncle Joe’s (one I learned as a trainee and taught again as a trainer) touches on this very subject: The only person responsible for someone’s suicide is the person themselves. For a long time, I struggled with this lesson and doubted its validity. Surely, other people had some responsibility? But as I continue to reflect, learn, and grow, I find that it isn’t the case. It is my own desire for control that continues to make me believe I have the power to stop every tragedy from occurring. And it is this desperate grab for stability that has caused me to carry around so much guilt.

As individuals we cannot necessarily stop a suicide from happening in the moment, but as a community we can lower risk factors that increase the likelihood of suicide. We can invest in preventative measures, improve access to counseling, and work to stop suicide. This past semester, as the Co-Director of Uncle Joe’s, I spearheaded a Suicide Recognition and Prevention Workshop for several members of our WashU community and then hosted the workshop for several other groups across campus. This is one example of a community intervention that can help lower risk factors surrounding suicide. 

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, it is okay to experience any and all emotions. As suicide rates continue to rise for college students on a national scale, it will, sadly, not surprise me to find more members of this community suffering from this loss. My message is that whatever you feel is valid and, as you move through the healing process, if you find yourself feeling guilt over things you could have done differently or words you wish you had spoken, you are not at fault. As terrifying as it is, you cannot control everything. While this continues to terrify me, it has also brought with it a sense of peace, and I hope it can do the same for you.

Linked here is a resource from Provident Behavioral Health. It is a support group for those who have lost loved ones to suicide. It can offer specialized services for the unique emotional needs of individuals.