When I was six or seven years old, I almost drowned and that is something I never got entirely over. It was so long ago that I can’t even begin to articulate every thought that seemed to flash through my head. It was an experience that I try hard not to remember, the only thing that I know was accurately burned into my memory is the impossibly slow fade to blackness that seemed to last for hours. Within that blackness fear took over and that fear was the only thing that I could focus on. I did not construct any plans about how to save myself, but instead a primal fear of something I couldn’t even comprehend began to invade me. Inside of that blackness, I didn’t quite get to my life flashing before my eyes but instead, I felt empty with a meek “is this it?” that could have either been due to being so young and having so few things to draw off of or a feeling of helplessness in a current that consumed me. I was dragged out of the current in what was likely just a handful of minutes and I wish that fear had only consumed me in those brief, horrible minutes but instead, the current had eroded who I was until just a compartmentalized version remained.  

A handful of years later, the Sandy Hook shooting happened. As a child freshly able to tie his shoes and having recently discovered fractions, I watched news coverage about kids who looked just like me being subject to a random act of violence. However, for an event that some remark as a turning point in American history, it all seemed so typical. More than that, I don’t remember feeling anything. Seeing the worst of what people can do and then watching as adults talk like enough was enough and a change had to be made was something I had become accustomed to. Some might say I was just a jaded kid but then this exact type of thing happened six years later in Parkland, when I saw teenagers who looked like who I was then get caught in an act of violence. Then, this year in Uvalde, the cycle began anew. 

In between these three events, more school shootings that weren’t deemed worthy of significant coverage and calls for reforms happened. Those reforms are still being mulled over right now and held up for reasons that feel drawn out of a hat. Still, knowing all of that, I think that feeling of apathy towards events so awful is something I can’t stop feeling ashamed of. I was too young to grasp it but it still grates on my soul and consciousness that I couldn’t muster anything worthwhile to feel for those other kids that were just people on the TV to me. I also wanted to do something of note but that prospect and creating a tangible change felt entirely out of reach. I think that might be something a lot of other people who are reading this also feel. 

After all those experiences stuck being submitted to the worst of the world, I wish I could end with a perfect story about how I changed my mindset that then leads into an expertly constructed anecdote about how you can do the same. But I can’t do that. I still sometimes feel turned off to the bad and even horrific things that happen as a coping mechanism. But that is, after all, only some of the time. As I’ve gotten older, I have tried to work more on getting out and doing something, even if it seems like an infinitely small step. I had to learn how to be comfortable making these small steps with similarly slow, uneven progress. There was no light bulb moment but instead an ugly, labored process. 

Going through with that made it so I can understand how a person might feel like what they do has no chance of making a lasting difference. Climate change can feel like an existential threat, the stripping of women’s rights can feel dystopic and often it might feel like no one with the power to change these things really cares. Those are entirely rightful things to feel but I just want to say that you can try to be the difference. You can feel all those things you feel and not have to stuff it down to survive. If you really feel strongly about something that upsets you, I promise you there are plenty of people who want to change the world in the same way and have a place for you to start. Getting to that point though requires you to keep moving which can feel like an insurmountable task. If no one is going to tell you today, I can tell you that you can help make a difference.