I’ll never forget my first hook-up experience: it was the first week of my freshman year at Wash U. I met him through some mutual friends and we hit it off quickly. We chatted as we strolled through the unfamiliar campus scenery and made out behind the DUC (what an incredibly embarrassing freshman thing to do). One thing led to another, and he met me in my dorm room one night. Up until this point, it had felt a little like some cute 90’s coming-of-age romantic comedy… until we realized neither of us knew what to do from there. Needless to say, it was awkward, and not just because he cried two days later when he found out I was also hooking up with his roommate (yet another embarrassing freshman thing to do). As weird as it felt at the time, my experience wasn’t all that uncommon. If I could go back to prevent myself from diving too soon and hitting my head on the metaphorical pool floor, I’d tell my naive freshman-self to read an article like this. 

What is hook-up culture? The American Psychological Association defines hook-up culture as “the shift in openness and acceptance of uncommitted sex.” Studies show that 90% of college students believe that their campus demonstrates hook up culture, while an estimated 72% of college students participate in hook-up culture. According to the National College Health Assessment, only 20% of students hook up regularly and 35% don’t hook up at all. In short, no matter which side of the pool you’re on, you are not alone.

Regardless of your experience in the matter, we do need to clarify one thing before diving in the deep end: consent is a necessary component of any sexual or romantic encounter, and it goes much deeper than a simple “yes.” In fact, consent is more of an ongoing conversation. You and your partner might feel comfortable at first, but feelings are fluid; consent is reversible and needs to be discussed continually. Clear, open conversation is necessary as one can’t rely on assumptions, perceived gender roles, or a lack of protest to guarantee consent. As always, but especially with a new partner, previous flirtation or conversations hold no bearing on your current encounter. In addition, traditional gender roles often disregard the fact that women can be perpetrators as well, leaving men and masculine folks at risk. Finally, unless there’s a clear and enthusiastic “Yes!”, the answer is no. 

What does this look like? Try dipping your toes in with this simple conversation starter: “What are you into?” Short and sweet, but highly effective. After establishing this, you can move on with, “What are you comfortable with? Do you want to [blank]?” The best part about constant conversation is that you don’t have to rely on previous sexual experience to impress your partner. As all good sex should be, you and your partner make it up as you go along! If you want a seriously hot way to keep the discussion up, use phrases like “Does this feel good? Should I keep going?” In general, it’s best to ask before doing: “Can I put my hand here?” 

While consent is paramount in any circumstance, it’s important to acknowledge that the consent conversation that happens during a relationship can look a lot different during a hook-up. According to one study, almost 50% of respondents indicated that they had hooked up either during the first in-person meet up or within the first few weeks of meeting, and the other half indicated they waited more than a few weeks. And while the time period is varied, you cannot guess at someone’s sexual comfort levels without asking them. In a relationship, an element of trust has already been established. Hook-ups don’t have this; therefore, one of the most important parts of this conversation is maintaining awareness of your partner’s demeanor as well as your own. Does your partner appear hesitant? Are you both sober? If in doubt, play it safe by not continuing. It is always better to be awkward than risk overstepping boundaries or hurting someone. Again, silence does not mean consent. Nerves can get in the way of your partner verbalizing their concerns; check in frequently. Sometimes even the most experienced folks lack the knowledge or confidence it takes to breach the subject. And the truth is, no matter how many Canvas modules you complete or infographics you like on Instagram, having these conversations will still feel a little weird. 

The good news is, if it feels a little awkward at first, you’re doing it right! Think of every sexual encounter you have witnessed in the media: hot, fast, and often wordless (but accompanied by plenty of noises.) Think Sex Life on Netflix, Fifty Shades of Grey, or Game of Thrones. Spoiler: sex doesn’t always look like that. At least, I hope it doesn’t. When actors film these scenes, they’re required to wear special padded underwear that prevents any sensation or contact. If that doesn’t have enough of a cold-shower-effect, there’s also a room full of directors and choreographers to advise. Not only are these examples often skewed in an idealistic light by being heteronormative, uninclusive, and just plain scripted, these scenes reinforce harmful ideas about what sex actually is. Rather, what it’s not. To put it bluntly, sex can actually be kind of gross. Think about it: various bodily fluids, razor burn, back acne, and less-than-fresh smells. Certain sex acts often result in some unexpected consequences. Any vaginal penetration is usually accompanied by some sort of vaginal flatulence. Giving oral can be fun until you get a pube stuck in your throat, and receiving oral is awesome until you feel some teeth. Specks of toilet paper left over from the day’s toilet breaks can even make an appearance. And no matter what hole(s) you’re engaging with, you’ll almost always end up with a suspicious stain on the sheets. One can only wonder as to what Christian Grey would do if he found a mysterious brown spot on his red leather mattress. 

At this point, I’ve probably convinced you that every passionate sex scene you’ve ever seen was incredibly unrealistic (it was) and that real-life hook ups will never live up to them. And if TV sex isn’t your thing, think back to any story you’ve ever heard from a peer and look at it through the lens of sexual maturity. Chances are they didn’t mention the inner struggle between leaving the socks on or taking them off, the awkward silence that came after the fart that wasn’t a fart, or the unsettling amount of sweat. Not to worry, my friends, there does exist a balance between hot and cringeworthy. The secret: embracing the weird! Now that you’ve established consent through continuous conversation, you can use this communication to put your partner at ease. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings to empower your partner to do the same. Reassure them that the inner-sock-battle isn’t a big deal. Hook ups should be fun! Don’t be afraid to giggle every now and then. 

So, we’ve got the hook-up itself figured out, but what about the aftermath? As I’ve demonstrated with my story, a conversation with your partner about boundaries would save you both (or at least one of you) some tears. Are you both interested in a hook up? Statistics show that people who regularly hook up are in the minority, this can’t always be assumed. Like water in a pool, some people’s comfort levels are deeper than others, and sexual activity can mean something different for everyone. Do you both have the emotional capacity for a hook up? (Read: are they okay with the fact that you’re also hooking up with their roommate?) While this discussion can be awkward as well, avoiding eye contact despite living on the same floor AND taking the same classes will always be worse. Even if you play it safe by only hooking up with people you don’t regularly associate with, clarifying expectations will make your experience more enjoyable for everyone. 

When you think about it, sex is a lot like swimming: no one is born knowing how to do it, but if everyone is on the same page, it can be a lot of fun! And if you’re unprepared, you’ll drown.